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James Gregory
Vintage Comedy
"Middle East Position"
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James Gregory

Greetings!

Well!
There are primarily four forms of government that control every facet of American life: City, County, State and Federal. A few of us are concerned and we worry about that.

But the overwhelming majority of Americans are more than happy to kneel at the altar. The government is their church. Big Brother is their savior. We can hear them shouting every day, "Help me! Help me!" ... "Give me! Give me!" ... "Save me! Save me!"

According to the news, here's what the government has been up to over the past couple of months:
  • Davis High School in Utah has been fined $15,000.00 because its vending machine dispensed soda during lunch. Federal guidelines allow schools to have vending machines, but ban sugary drinks with school meals. "You can buy a Coke before lunch and consume it during lunch," an official said, "but you can't buy a Coke during lunch."
  • A public school in Brooklyn, NY has banned Lee Greenwood's song "God Bless the USA" because Greenwood's song, which mentions "God" is offensive to some cultures and religions.
  • The Transportation Safety Administration, the agency looking out for potential terrorists or anyone else that might harm us, is to be commended. Recently a 95 year-old leukemia patient was forced to remove her adult diaper for a pat down. A teenager was told that the pistol "design" on her purse was a federal crime.
  • A baby - an infant - in Florida was strangled to death by a 17-foot Burmese python. Please be careful, it's an endangered species. Not the baby, just the snake. Evidently, the government is trying to make everybody happy. The endangered species people and the pro-choice people.
  • Oregon officials have told the Siletz Tribe of Native Americans that they can no longer refer to their school sports team as "Warriors." It violates the state ban on Indian-themed mascots as offensive to Native Americans. Feel free to read that one more time. Here's what it means. The government thinks that Native Americans, a proud tribe of Indians at a Native American school whose team have always been called themselves "Warriors," might be offended if Indians refer to Indians as Indians.
  • In Arizona a high school team was chanting "USA! USA!" after winning their game. They were told not to ever do that again. Hispanic students might be offended.

With a 16 trillion dollar deficit, the 50% of the American people who still pay federal income tax might like to know what the government is doing with all their money.

  • They sent benefit checks to deceased government employees totaling 120 million dollars.
  • They've appropriated $600,000.00 to Columbia University to study online dating.
  • $500,000.00 to researchers at Wellesley College to answer the question "Do you trust your Twitter feed?"
  • $600,000.00 to primate researchers to study what feces-throwing among chimps reveals about communication skills.
  • $340,000.00 granted by the National Science Foundation to study "Women, Weaving and Wool in Iceland in the years AD 874-1800"

And the list goes on.

And on.

Anyway, don't forget to vote. There's a presidential election coming up. We only have one of two choices. One is the former popular governor of Massachusetts who used to be a liberal. The other is the former popular community organizer of Chicago who thinks he still is.

I hope you enjoyed the Republican and Democratic conventions on television. I didn't watch them. I love television; I'm just not a fan of variety shows.

Until next time,
God bless everybody and God bless America!

James Gregory Tour Dates
This month I'll be in Dothan, Alabama and Panama City, Florida. Upcoming dates include shows in Alabama, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia. Click here for details. -James


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